Matthew

My brother died in my arms two years ago today. He is everywhere and not hauntingly.

He is part of this house he spent most of his time in. He loved being at home amongst his things. I always think of this pandemic and how he would have been content in it from the beginning. But his body is gone forever. My mother keeps his ashes in her room. We haven’t packed any of his things out to donate, and she keeps all his games and other items dusted and polished, and on display. It is a fitting tribute because he was so neat, and loved having things in its place.

And then he died at 3am on the 17th of March 2019 in his bed with his head on my chest.

Just as he was about to step into his dreams of animation and learning all about it. It still makes no sense. Gone in 8 months after being diagnosed. We did these little rituals each morning of getting up together and spending some time outside and talking before we went about our day. He would take his meds, read a bit then nap, then meds again. If I was out I would call him at least three times a day to check in. He was happy and resolved to fight the cancer as much as he could. He read up on his diagnosis but was never ruled by it. So when he died after a day of discomfort it felt heart-breaking.

He was born around 9pm on a Saturday on the second of August in 1997. We were so enamoured as I was in high school already and my baby sister was about to finish primary school. We used to fight about who would bathe and change his nappy. He was our baby, and in many ways the child I will never have. He was more than a sibling; he was my best friend, confidante and favourite part of every day. I would find myself rushing home to him just to hear what he was up to and reading about. An avid gamer, anime fan and cosplayer; he was eccentric in those little Matthew ways. Not really a quiet person, he just spoke when he felt like it. He only started speaking when he was four years old and to this day I believe it was his choice and not a speech problem. He was engaging and smart with a wide imagination. He longed for many things, especially friends. He had a few but he wasn’t someone who hung out with friends a lot. Most of his socialising was with me and our family. His favourite time of the year was cosplay events and gaming expo’s. The whole house would get involved to make sure his outfits was on point. He favoured dressing up as Ash Ketchum from Pokémon. My fave was when he did the Joker and Jin Kazama from Tekken.

As much as he played video games he loved b-grade action movies and fantasy books. He would order burgers at a sushi restaurant. We would want to buy him an expensive sneaker and he would take the cash to buy a game, and go for something that cost 100 bucks. He was helpful, and I can’t think of one person who disliked him or who he had a falling out with. He had a purity of soul I have never seen in any adult. He was gentle till the end.

I find myself bargaining a lot with a God I just started believing in again to somehow bring him back. I think I can keep negotiating. You never know maybe it can happen. But for now he isn’t here. I know he is ok. I have not had one dream or vision since he passed. A friend told me maybe he had said all he ever wanted to say. I believe that. I miss him but I don’t think he left anything unsaid. He was open, fair and honest. True to himself, and never wavered.

I watched his birth and he passed away in my arms.

He had so much to give, was everyone’s favourite, so smart and funny and such a unique communicator.

We are infinitely heartbroken. It is true a spring does run dry when a young person passes… and he has taken a part of us too , and we will cling to all of his memories.

He was simply beautiful.

I won’t ever say goodbye but in any shadow that bends and ray of light I see I catch a glimpse of his smile and that hair he said kept him cool in summer and warm in winter. I love you Matthew and I am waiting to see you again.